Seeing My Scars For the First Time

Can I be honest? It was worse than I expected.

I knew it was time to do it. I mean I can’t go but so long without a shower. I knew I needed to get in but I also knew that would mean facing my scars to some degree. I wasn’t ready for that. I texted my sister and told her that maybe I would close my eyes or just look up during the shower and not look at the surgical sight at all. She told me she was praying. I knew she was.

The time came. Pat asked me if I needed help and I told him no. I felt I needed to go in alone…and yet with God. I grabbed my Bose speaker and took it into the bathroom. I turned the lights down to very dim. At this point I was not planning to look. I planned to keep my eyes closed and face my scars another day.
I found my “scars theme song” which is Great Things by Elevation Worship. The lyrics! Oh the lyrics!! I turned up the volume and cried. Then, because of the words in the second verse, I bawled and maybe even wailed.

The words were:

Thank You for the scars I bear
They declare that You are my healer
How could I have seen your strength
If You never showed me my weakness?

And it's worth it all, just to know You more

I was worshipping and praising God through my tears and the thought hit me; how can I praise Him for my latest scars if I haven’t even seen them? I want to be able to praise Him to the fullest capacity therefore I knew it was time to see the scars.

I hit repeat on the song and started from the beginning. I slowly started unwrapping the bandage. The feeling of flatness was overwhelming enough and then as I kept unraveling, I saw the beginning of the stitches. Then the bandages finally fell and the entire surgical sight was revealed. I wasn’t prepared for what I saw. I have seen many pictures of people who have had mastectomies with no reconstruction, but this…. This was more shocking because of all the radiated skin that has been infected for so long. The breast area is actually caved in because of very thin muscles that have been deteriorating. So imagine: no breast tissue……raw, angry skin all rolled and tucked in with stitches…. and the area is caving in because of thin, weak muscles.

My head was spinning and I became nauseous. But I knew the only thing I could do was turn the volume up to the song and praise God FOR my scars.

Thank You for the wilderness
Where I learned to thirst for Your presence
If I'd never known that place
How could I have known You are better?

If I only focused on my body and it’s flaws, I would never see the greatness of our God.

Through the fire and the flood You have never let me go
And my soul will sing You have done great things
I am weak, You are strong
You will always be my hope
And my soul will sing You have done great things

You've done great things
Jesus, Your love never fails me
My soul will sing You have done great things

Cancer has been awful. Surgeries, chemo, radiation, reconstruction, infections and all the rest have been horrible experiences to endure. But if there is one thing GOD has taught me through all of this, it’s that praising and giving thanksgiving to Him is what helps us rise above. When we worship God and allow our mouths to proclaim the goodness of the Lord rather than using them as a tool to complain about our weaknesses, our spirits and souls are lifted. God becomes greater than our weaknesses.

Yes, I continued to cry. Yes, I cried harder after seeing the mirror. I was in shock. I sang the lyrics and at first I couldn’t for the life of me sing in tune. I was barely mumbling the words with a total off pitch squeaky sound. Then I hit repeat. I continued to say the words “ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok”…..(then crying as I said the words) “ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok.” Then I’d attempt to sing along with the song again. It took me awhile, but I was finally able to sing on pitch. I didn’t sing loudly, but at least I found the pitch and was singing in tune with the song.

Sometimes life gives us hard circumstances and we just can’t get in alignment with what God is doing because we are too focused on what the enemy has done. I find that if I just keep trying to “squeak out” my praise that eventually I will be able to be in tune and in alignment with God. Sometimes it takes awhile.

God is faithful and no matter what the devil throws at us, we have to constantly train ourselves to know that we know God is GOOD! We have to keep speaking TRUTH over ourselves until it sinks in and becomes our reality.

I don’t know what your scars are, what your pains are, what your traumatic situations are but I do know that trusting God to get you through is the only hope we have. We can trust Him. I’m still processing all that’s happened and I still have a ways to go. I’m incredibly sad and I’m mourning what’s now gone. But I know God will get me through and I will become stronger as I walk through this with Him.

He has indeed done great things!