Deeper Understanding Through Suffering
How was my relationship with Jesus THAT deep when I was going through cancer?
I went back and read through my Caringbridge website and I am fascinated by my depth; not of my knowledge of Him, but of intimacy with Him. I shared from a place that seemed deeper than even my heart...it was from a place in the Spirit.
There is undoubtedly something so sweet and special about suffering that throws us at the feet of Jesus in desperation. I guess not everyone runs to His feet, but I honestly don’t know where else we can run to find true grace and strength in a time of need. Nothing else satisfies the same way He does. Drinking heavily or running to other types of sin leaves you worse later on and still stuck in the same predicament.
Only the Lord understands us better than we understand ourselves. He sits with us in the quiet of the night and stillness of the early morning hours. He lets us cry and throw our fits of sorrow and maybe anger but He does not raise a finger in judgement. He wants us to share and pour forth the agony we are wresting. He is there with us and never leaves huffing or in a rage. He doesn’t wag His head at us when we are sincerely coming to Him for help and answers. He hears our prayers and catches our tears.
What I love most is that He will let us read a verse in the Psalms over and over and over and not judge us because we can’t find the strength to move on to another verse until that one is anchored and securely tucked into the core of our being. He is willing to meet us where we are and will not pressure us to move forward until we are ready and willing to do so.
We grow in Him. We learn from Him. He teaches us like a patient grandfather teaching a young toddler. He’s not in a hurry. He’s eager to spend the time with us and watch every move we make as we grapple with understanding of the principles He is teaching. He loves the process, not just impatient for the end result.
Suffering allows me to search for meaning. It shows me that there is more to life than having my needs met at the snap of a finger. Long suffering teaches me patience and enables me to love the One Who walks with me through it. It is sometimes a long, dark valley but He never leaves me nor forsakes me. He goes with me where no one else would be willing to go.
If we lived in a perfect world, we would not need the Light to guide us in the darkness. We would not have a desperation for His comfort and assurance that everything will be ok. We would never learn that it is HIM we need, not the answered prayer.
Cancer was a devil I battled by the strength of the Lord. He showed me how to glean strength from the prayers of my brothers and sisters in the church. He taught me that His children see in the spirit and would have visions that would encourage me. Many people prayed and saw me flying on the back of an eagle or climbing a rugged mountain leaving a trail of light for others to follow. They gave me Bible verses and prayed for me in their own quiet time. I never knew the magnitude of love and concern of the body of Christ until this trial bombarded my life. It was astonishing to see how suffering brought forth such love and unity.
My life today is good. My husband, children, and I are not battling a horrific battle such as cancer. We have our bills paid and we are all going to church with hearts that love Jesus. But I have a longing....a longing to go to those deep places with the Lord once again. Is it possible to go that deep WITHOUT the suffering? Maybe. That’s my prayer today is that I am able to search for Him and find Him as He searches the deep places of my heart to remove any barriers.
Psalm 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.
1 Corinthians 2:10 For to us God revealed them through the Spirit; for the Spirit searches all things, even the depths of God.
